"Restlessness is discontent and discontent is the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure." ~Thomas Edison, inventor

Why do our spirits get restless? They do, don't they? How can our spirits even get fidgety when we're so busy anyway? Seems ironic for something SO busy to have time to sit and fidget. But it happens.

It actually sneaks up on you...this restlessness, I think. It doesn't usually come in the form of a creepy old maid riding her bicycle (or was it a broom?) looking for sweet little girls and cuddly little dogs to terrorize...making you long for bliss somewhere on the other side of a prism in the sky. Hhhhmmmm....Maybe Dorothy and Toto weren't the best examples because it appeared she was running away out of fear and not "restlessness", and Miss Gulch was very ugly and full of threats; BUT Dorothy did figure out in the end that she really didn't need to journey along the 'path to Oz' to find the happiness in her "own backyard". (Wow! What a long, run-on sentence!) No, it comes in many forms. Non-threatening. Fun. Simple. Always nice to look at.

So, why then?

Maybe there is a little fear involved though, like poor ol' Dot felt? Maybe it's a fear of settling down? A fear of missing out? A fear of having made the wrong decisions? A fear of growing up? A fear of losing "what ya got"? A fear of missing an opportunity?
Does it mean you're weak? Does it mean you're immature? Selfish? Stupid? On a path to destruction? Bad?

Is the reason for the restlessness what's important? Is it what you find on the other end of it? Or is it the journey in between? The journey through it?

You tell me.........

(An old post I pulled out of a dusty folder)

Do you remember what it was like when you found out that Superman wasn't real? Or maybe when you witnessed a media frenzy revolving around someone you idolized that left you with the realization that the person was just shy of being a chump? Or maybe when you were able to spend some time with someone you thought had it all figured out only to find out they were more screwed up on the inside than you are? They weren't people that you purposely put on a pedestal. You never set out to think of them as higher forms of yourself or any other person in your life. But somehow your insecurities and fears and inadequacies placed them mountains above the rest.

I woke up this morning with deep feelings that I believe are in some ways similar to those situations...just a smidge anyway. It wasn't a "lightbulb" moment. It wasn't like I was struck by lightning. The realities, instead, have been seeping into my consciousness very gradually. There have been little circumstances and moments when I catch glimpses of just how human someone I love is.

But, this morning, when I popped in my Beatles "1" cd (all their #1 hits, for those who don't know), I just felt overwhelmed with realization. The songs always strike a sentimental nerve in me...they always take me right back to my childhood...always. No matter how grown-up I feel. And the only memories I completely associate their music with are those involving my parents.

So...I'm vacuuming and remembering the 70s, a bit of the 80s even. My memories of my childhood are all happy...even though they aren't all happy. Does that make sense? I remember (even more than my sibs) the turmoil in our family, between our parents and then between them and their parents. I remember a LOT...things they probably hope I don't (shoot, things they may not remember). I remember anger and chaos for sure; but for some reason, the good stuff gets more "air time" in my mind. Maybe it is my mind's defense mechanism kicking in? I don't know. But I remember so many good things right smack dab in the middle of my parents' personal hell(s). And most of all, I remember thinking that my parents were it...they were the best...they were smart...they were almost superhuman. Dad survived a horrible war and a very, very sad childhood, mostly intact; while Mom left home as a 16 year old baby, sent her husband off to war, had me, raised us and then even survived cancer.

I've spent so much of my adulthood calling them for advice, thinking they have it all figured out. I have cried a gazillion tears wishing that my family and I lived closer to them. I've gauged so much of my attitude toward life, my potential success in being a smart human, on what I perceived them to be and do. I've placed so much pressure on myself to live up to who I perceived them to be. I knew, of course, they weren't perfect (no one is), but I subconsciously placed them above myself and others in the area of near-perfectness. And then today, for some reason...I felt this incredibly sad resolve that brought tears. They aren't superhuman...they aren't above everyone...they don't have it all figured out. And while that is a no-brainer for most adults (especially those whose parents were deadbeats even as they raised their kids) perhaps, it just made the world look different to me today than it did yesterday.

Why is that a sad revelation for a 39-year-old woman (when maybe I should look at it as a good revelation instead)? It is hard realizing that someone you turned to for so much guidance could be wrong or could even be more screwed up sometimes than you are. It just turns the tables. It means that, while they are older and even wiser in some situations, I am the one calling the shots now. The responsibility for making wise choices is all on me, truly. It just sort of shifts the pressure, I guess.

Anyway.

Wow. I'm not saying they are these pathetic people who let me down or messed me up...No...they are just humans doing exactly what I am doing...trying to muddle through and figure it out as they go. That's what I'm sayin'....

Have you ever been asked..."How'd we get here?" and just go blank? I don't mean by a drowsy 6-year old coming out of his car ride-induced, backseat coma somewhere near Orlando, after passing out somewhere around Gainesville. I mean, philosophically-speaking, I suppose. A close friend asked me that question today, actually. Now, I like to think I always have an answer and, of course, that I'm always right (hehe); but all I could say was, "I don't know". Like a kid who just woke up at Disney World, to his bewilderment.

How could I not know? How can a somewhat intelligent woman, with a memory any external hard-drive would envy, not know how she got from there to here if she was living it? I can tell you the tiniest details from 2nd grade about my best guy friend Derek McGinnis hanging out with me on the monkeybars, what we talked about and even what we were wearing. I am under the assumption that I can remember it so well because I relished every second of it while I was living in that moment, that's what children do, after all. And, when you're truly "living in the moment", you cannot see before or after that moment...you just see inside that box. If you even try to think ahead or worry about possible regrets you'll experience afterwards, you'll surely miss that moment somehow. Right? You'll be there, for sure, but you won't get the full effect. You have to be focused.

So...how'd we get here? Is it that I'm too in the moment? Can you be so in one moment that you miss some other important moments, the ones that get you to your current desination? This moment. Ok...I am beginning to confuse myself. (Blonde moment? Or rambling gone amuck?)

I don't know. It just baffles me that you can be paying such close attention to detail, enjoying every second that ticks away, and STILL miss something as important as how you moved from phase 1 to phase 2. I missed something? Wow. Can't go back and relive it. Can't go back and figure it out because dwelling too long on moments you lived a month ago will cause you to miss something happening now. Geesh!

So, how can I learn anything? What if I have what appears to be another "out-of-body" experience (ha) in the middle of a moment in the next chapter, and it is an avoidable mistake? Hhhmmm. Or maybe not a mistake at all...just bliss? Who knows? I don't reckon it matters really, but it just surprised me not to really know. It amazed me that it is possible that something enjoyable and engulfing could be such a blur. Will I pay more attention as phase 3 arrives?

Funny thought....I wonder if my husband's grandmother asked herself "How'd I get here?" a couple of weeks ago when she turned 102 years old?

I don't know. Just sayin', as usual!

(*Another archival rambling from Christy's former Myspace world*)

So...my husband was just now reading to me some of the excerpts from updates on the oil spill "down South". It stands to be ranked the worst environmental disaster our country has ever seen (my future grandkids will study this, alongside Hurricane Katrina). They are "preparing for the worst", one expert stated...that would be 150,000 barrels a day, of our precious "black gold" (something we don't actually have to sacrifice our unborn future generations to the Arabs for), being dumped out into the Gulf of Mexico...the "redneck Riviera", as it's fondly referred. This is going to make the Exxon-Valdez spill of '89 look like the time I dumped a whole crockpot full of cocktail weinies, in thick, gooey sauce, into the carpeted floorboard of my car. A nasty little mess.

And this couldn't have happened at a worse time...birds are nesting and mating along the coast, beach tourism is just beginning to blossom and shrimp season was supposed to open today (they did allow shrimp boats a couple of days, ahead of season, to take advantage of a small window of opportunity). If they can't stop it, they say it will likely make its way around Florida and up the east coast, possibly destroying what makes up 84% of the world's coral reefs. How's that for front-page news? And those devastated families of the 11 who lost their lives....

I'm no expert (as IF you even speculated such)...BUT there is NO way this accidental disaster won't affect our already unstable economy...not to mention our precious, depleted environment (you do realize that this will wreak havoc on an entire ecosystem?). I mean, won't we likely see business bail-outs (for something like BP) or entities having to file Chapter 13? Will we see more people lose jobs? I imagine the "experts" haven't even figured out all of the ramifications yet.

Ok...what's the point of this post? ("Just get to it already!", you plead.) Well...just a couple of days ago, I made a comment to my husband that it wouldn't be surprising to hear this incident was the result of sabotage. Seriously. I would imagine the world knows how vulnerable we are right now...weak economy, "skeleton crew" of a homeland military and mixed public opinion on our government's ability to make good decisions. I asked him if they had discovered the cause, and he said it was still under investigation (apparently, DUH, it's all the more difficult considering you cannot send guys in SCUBA gear 5,000 feet below the surface of the ocean to check things out). However, they are investigating the company originally contracted to construct the pipeline because, perhaps, it was faulty or inadequately done. Know who that company is? Halliburton. Recognize the name? A construction company our government has used for decades. She's an entity with quite a controversial reputation of "sleeping with the enemy"...the kind who harbor terrorists.

Now, I'm also no conspiracy theorist, but it was just one of those "things that make you go 'Hhhhmmm?'". "C'mon, Christy! Please. Quit over-thinking and go wash another load of clothes!", you say? Maybe you're right. It isn't like our government has ever had prior knowledge of a possible US attack around Sept 11 and failed to follow-through and like buried the faxes under someone's grocery list, or knew it needed to rebuild crucial levees in Louisiana and didn't or dragged its feet rescuing hurricane victims and give them relief. Nah! Not our government! "Go wash your mouth out with soap, Christy!" Really now, what would it benefit a government to have its big businesses begging for assistance, or to have its people looking to it for answers and guidance because they're hungry and broke or to know its citizens live in fear of uncertainty? Hhhhmmmmmmm........

I'm just sayin'...