Have you ever been asked..."How'd we get here?" and just go blank? I don't mean by a drowsy 6-year old coming out of his car ride-induced, backseat coma somewhere near Orlando, after passing out somewhere around Gainesville. I mean, philosophically-speaking, I suppose. A close friend asked me that question today, actually. Now, I like to think I always have an answer and, of course, that I'm always right (hehe); but all I could say was, "I don't know". Like a kid who just woke up at Disney World, to his bewilderment.

How could I not know? How can a somewhat intelligent woman, with a memory any external hard-drive would envy, not know how she got from there to here if she was living it? I can tell you the tiniest details from 2nd grade about my best guy friend Derek McGinnis hanging out with me on the monkeybars, what we talked about and even what we were wearing. I am under the assumption that I can remember it so well because I relished every second of it while I was living in that moment, that's what children do, after all. And, when you're truly "living in the moment", you cannot see before or after that moment...you just see inside that box. If you even try to think ahead or worry about possible regrets you'll experience afterwards, you'll surely miss that moment somehow. Right? You'll be there, for sure, but you won't get the full effect. You have to be focused.

So...how'd we get here? Is it that I'm too in the moment? Can you be so in one moment that you miss some other important moments, the ones that get you to your current desination? This moment. Ok...I am beginning to confuse myself. (Blonde moment? Or rambling gone amuck?)

I don't know. It just baffles me that you can be paying such close attention to detail, enjoying every second that ticks away, and STILL miss something as important as how you moved from phase 1 to phase 2. I missed something? Wow. Can't go back and relive it. Can't go back and figure it out because dwelling too long on moments you lived a month ago will cause you to miss something happening now. Geesh!

So, how can I learn anything? What if I have what appears to be another "out-of-body" experience (ha) in the middle of a moment in the next chapter, and it is an avoidable mistake? Hhhmmm. Or maybe not a mistake at all...just bliss? Who knows? I don't reckon it matters really, but it just surprised me not to really know. It amazed me that it is possible that something enjoyable and engulfing could be such a blur. Will I pay more attention as phase 3 arrives?

Funny thought....I wonder if my husband's grandmother asked herself "How'd I get here?" a couple of weeks ago when she turned 102 years old?

I don't know. Just sayin', as usual!

(*Another archival rambling from Christy's former Myspace world*)

So...my husband was just now reading to me some of the excerpts from updates on the oil spill "down South". It stands to be ranked the worst environmental disaster our country has ever seen (my future grandkids will study this, alongside Hurricane Katrina). They are "preparing for the worst", one expert stated...that would be 150,000 barrels a day, of our precious "black gold" (something we don't actually have to sacrifice our unborn future generations to the Arabs for), being dumped out into the Gulf of Mexico...the "redneck Riviera", as it's fondly referred. This is going to make the Exxon-Valdez spill of '89 look like the time I dumped a whole crockpot full of cocktail weinies, in thick, gooey sauce, into the carpeted floorboard of my car. A nasty little mess.

And this couldn't have happened at a worse time...birds are nesting and mating along the coast, beach tourism is just beginning to blossom and shrimp season was supposed to open today (they did allow shrimp boats a couple of days, ahead of season, to take advantage of a small window of opportunity). If they can't stop it, they say it will likely make its way around Florida and up the east coast, possibly destroying what makes up 84% of the world's coral reefs. How's that for front-page news? And those devastated families of the 11 who lost their lives....

I'm no expert (as IF you even speculated such)...BUT there is NO way this accidental disaster won't affect our already unstable economy...not to mention our precious, depleted environment (you do realize that this will wreak havoc on an entire ecosystem?). I mean, won't we likely see business bail-outs (for something like BP) or entities having to file Chapter 13? Will we see more people lose jobs? I imagine the "experts" haven't even figured out all of the ramifications yet.

Ok...what's the point of this post? ("Just get to it already!", you plead.) Well...just a couple of days ago, I made a comment to my husband that it wouldn't be surprising to hear this incident was the result of sabotage. Seriously. I would imagine the world knows how vulnerable we are right now...weak economy, "skeleton crew" of a homeland military and mixed public opinion on our government's ability to make good decisions. I asked him if they had discovered the cause, and he said it was still under investigation (apparently, DUH, it's all the more difficult considering you cannot send guys in SCUBA gear 5,000 feet below the surface of the ocean to check things out). However, they are investigating the company originally contracted to construct the pipeline because, perhaps, it was faulty or inadequately done. Know who that company is? Halliburton. Recognize the name? A construction company our government has used for decades. She's an entity with quite a controversial reputation of "sleeping with the enemy"...the kind who harbor terrorists.

Now, I'm also no conspiracy theorist, but it was just one of those "things that make you go 'Hhhhmmm?'". "C'mon, Christy! Please. Quit over-thinking and go wash another load of clothes!", you say? Maybe you're right. It isn't like our government has ever had prior knowledge of a possible US attack around Sept 11 and failed to follow-through and like buried the faxes under someone's grocery list, or knew it needed to rebuild crucial levees in Louisiana and didn't or dragged its feet rescuing hurricane victims and give them relief. Nah! Not our government! "Go wash your mouth out with soap, Christy!" Really now, what would it benefit a government to have its big businesses begging for assistance, or to have its people looking to it for answers and guidance because they're hungry and broke or to know its citizens live in fear of uncertainty? Hhhhmmmmmmm........

I'm just sayin'...

So...I sit here today completely beside myself. I find that humans never cease to amaze me with all our little idiosyncrasies. (I like that word. It's long, hard to spell and hard to say, especially for Sylvester-the-cat types. It means "a peculiarity of temperament; an individualizing characteristic". I just like that the first four letters are the same first four letters in the word IDIOT. ha) We all have our "ticks", our "issues", or "baggage" (though some seem much better at "packing lighter" than the rest of us...they're the ones who manage to get everything into that one "carry-on" bag you're allowed). Some of us have very legitimate "issues" (i.e., the woman who doesn't trust men because her no-account "dad" abused her); but some of us don't. Nosireebob...Some of us just refuse to grow up.

"How dare you be so critical and judgmental?, you say. "You just have no idea what I've been through. Why..I had the worst childhood! My parents didn't understand me. They were so strict, they spanked me too much and they didn't buy me a car like all my friends' parents did. They were just so unfair!" WAH! All I can say is to "suck it up" and stop blaming your folks at this stage in the ballgame. Seriously. I can save you gobs of money. DITCH the therapist...unless you've got real, die-hard, serious "issues" (like a history of abuse in any of it's scariest, most detrimental forms)...and just make up your mind to LET IT GO and get on with the life that is ticking away in front of you.

Y'all...I'm just sayin'...your parents, crappy as they may have been, were just wingin' it the way the rest of us are. The only instruction manual you are given is the one etched into your brain by your parents before you...you are supposed to take that, when you grow up, weed out the crap through you own adult observations ("Wow, no one else's parents encouraged them to hold up convenient stores, so maybe mine might've gotten that one wrong?") and then you live an enlightened version of your childhood self. That's how it works...or how it should work.

**The compassionate side of me (which is also the side of me that sat through Psych, Social Work and Sociology classes, on the edge of my seat with interest, before ditching college) feels it necessary to acknowledge the people with real reasons for therapy...and kudos to the ones who decide to give themselves the ultimate human gift of freedom from their past by facing those diligent and well-equipped demons head on, with big balls, and conquering them. Those people are proof that it CAN be done. I know those people...and I am awed by them.**

Why am I in this mood? You really, truly don't want me to go into it. You don't. And I don't want to because it starts sounding like I'm whining or something. I am just tired of watching adults who really have NO reasons to whine do just that. I am tired of drama. I am tired of tiptoeing around their issues just to "keep peace" when it is only stunting their growth as individuals. I am tired of listening to other adults justify and/or excuse that someone's behavior and then try to take me on a "guilt trip" (a trip they plan to just put me on a plane to alone) because I am not being understanding enough...I'm not being "the bigger person". Apparently, I won't be nominated for the "Peacemaker of the Year" award? The funny thing is that I care more than they'll ever know.

And, y'all, I don't think I am perfect. I know many of my issues...and if I started listing them, we'd be here a while. But one thing I have figured out in my 30mumblemumble years is that this world and its inhabitants owe me nothing. I have figured out that my own life will be a bit easier to live if I just take a chill pill, when necessary...if I will try to look for the positive (because it IS always there)...and if I will "put away childish things". That doesn't mean I have to start dressing like an "old person" (I still proudly wear my Happy Bunny shirt)...or that I have to stop dreaming and wishing on stars...or that I have to quit swinging on swing sets in the park (unless they're for toddlers and I might tip it over! ha). It just means that I look at things through the eyes of experience and some level of wisdom (though my wisdom is still something I can barely fill a shoebox with)...which makes the "town gossip" look like a woman who is very insecure in her own skin and jealous of those around her and not someone "out to get me". It means that I hear things with ears of patience and humor...which makes the grumpy waitress become someone I am determined to make smile (and DID do, btw) and not someone I should treat equally as grumpy. It means that I realize the world doesn't revolve around me...at least not today anyway. ;-) And that I've figured out that the scary monster under my bed is just a bunch of books waiting to be read.

Besides, what good does it do to sit around and literally WASTE the few precious years you've been given by trying to whine your way to happiness (HEY...that sounds like a Kanye West penned "self-help" book...Kayne's I Did it My Way: How to Whine Your Way to Happiness)? Can that even be done? I'm guessing that'd be a NO. No matter how hard you try, how much money you spend or how many people you alienate along the way, you cannot fix the past...and, most assuredly, not by blaming someone else for all of its crap. You can no longer make your parents pay more attention to your 12-year-old self...you can't make your siblings apologize to your 5-year-old self for doing what most ALL siblings do: Be mean...and you can't make the school bully not take your 8-year-old self's lunch money. Yes, maybe you can sit down and have a heart-to-heart in adulthood and get an apology of sorts; but the real work is still UP TO YOU and NO ONE ELSE.

So, ok...I'm through venting. Thank you! ha

If this blog has offended anyone, then you are probably one of the ones who need to put on some big girl panties or big boy boxers, respectively, anyway.

Seriously...I'm just sayin'...

I realize that, aside from my one gracious follower who happens to be my brother, folks reading this don't really know me. You don't know that I'm obnoxiously into the 80s (music, tv, movies...to date, it is my favorite decade-ha). And I love history...love it, love it, love it. I get so engrossed when visiting places like Cades Cove near Gatlinburg that I buy books on it and read them, study them to some extent...almost as if I have some ancestry there that ties me to it, which isn't usually the case. I love to think of what life was like in the 1700s, 1800s, etc. And I really like to remember my own life in the 70s, the 80s, even if it is purely childish in nature at times because, duh, I was a child. These aspects of myself I do try to pass along to my children, who are 13 and almost 10, respectively. They seem interested in most of what I put before them whether it is me telling about "the time I was 10 and..." or explaining how the Civil War started and how much of what they will learn in school is inaccurate. OH...and one more thing you don't know about me is that I am in denial of how old I actually am. I do realize exactly how old my birth certificate says I am, and I know it is true; but I honestly don't feel that old and all my memories, I suhwear just happened last week (and please, folks, you have to read like I write, ok? Keep up...it's the Southern drawl).

Ok...all of that was to set the stage for this morning's brief, but sort of eye-opening, conversation I had with my son, the 9-year-old. We'd just dropped his sister off and, as normal, switched XM off of the Disney Channel (she loves it, he and I don't) to the 80s channel (which I love and they mostly tolerate because occasionally a song they know from Guitar Hero comes on). A song from 1985 came on...no, I can't think of which one right now, but I think it was Genesis. Now mind you, for some reason, I always feel like I have to give them some sort of back story for the song coming on (I bet the kids would wish their mother drove a vehicle that didn't have a computer screen telling the title, artist and year of every song IF they knew such vehicles exist, I don't think they do. And silly kids, they also don't know that their mother, the Musictionary, doesn't NEED XM to tell her!)..."Oh, y'all, the first time I heard Golden Earring's Twilight Zone, I was 12 and, OMG!, we were riding with Uncle Roger to get fitted for his and Dee's wedding...blah, blah,blah". BuhLess their hearts, huh?

Ok...back on track...the song came on, I started singing along, saw the date and said, "Oh, wow! Tony this song came out when we moved to Hendersonville!" to which he replied in a sarcastic sort of way (he is still learning how to use sarcasm effectively...from me, of course), "Ummmm, I didn't move to Hendersonville because I like wasn't even born yet, Mom" Well, duh. I told him that I meant me, my parents and Michelle and Jeremy. He laughed and said, "I know...I was just joking." So I go on..."That was 1985. Wow. 25 years ago, Tony!" And then he said it...the phrase that stuck in my history-loving mind..."Gah, Mom! I wasn't even born in the 1900s!" I know, I know. Not really a big deal sentence. Definitely not an undiscovered-until-that-moment truth. But, wow...for someone who loves to think in terms of centuries beginning and ending, when history was being made, when things were changing, when, well, I wasn't here.

So, yeah. My son and all his classmates will be talking about their parents, and even older siblings, in terms of "life in the 1900s"...like we talk about someone being born in the "1800s", or what life was like in "the 18th century", etc. Like I am always fascinated to look over our family tree, or at pictures, and know that this great-grandparent was born at the "end of the 1800s"...it just seems as though it was like a whole other world or something. Isn't that sort of cool? And freaky too? Or maybe it is just me...that is definitely more likely the case. Anywho! It just hit me weird when he said it, the way he said it, and I just wondered if anyone had actually thought about it.

Ok...done rambling...because I was 'just sayin' anyway. ha